a softer klaine

to tell you what I really think

i'm making it on my own

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
(no subject)
a softer klaine
jakia
Notes:

Note: This is not finished and it will never be finished, because I can't justify the world watching Karofsky's outing with the knowledge that, should that happen, he'd immediately try and kill himself. That's way too dark for anything I want to write.

But.

Since the original fic is making rounds again, I decided to go back and look at what I had written of chapter two. I made it all the way past Furt, and most of it? I really like.
So even though it's not finished and never will be, enjoy chapter two.



The second his plane lands in Ohio, Kurt’s phone goes off.



It’s Blaine.



“Hey, I just got back—“



“I AM GOING TO BE ON GLEE!”



Kurt nearly drops the phone. “Wait, what?”



Blaine pants into the phone, like he can hardly breathe he’s so excited. “Ryan called me this morning—I must’ve sent you a thousand texts but I guess you didn’t get them because you were on the plane—but I’m going to be on Glee!”



“Really?”



“Yes!” Blaine laughs. “I can hardly believe it myself! Mind you, I’m not going to be full time like you—I’m just going to be in three episodes right now, but Ryan said if my character is popular enough I could get bumped up! Can you believe it? Oh God, I’m so excited I can just—“



This is real. Kurt thinks suddenly, sucking his breath in as Blaine rambles in his ear. Oh God, this is real. Blaine is real. He’s a part of your life, your future. Your stupid crush could be real. He could be--



“—and I have no clue what I’m going to wear and—Kurt? Are you still there? Is this a bad time? I can call back later—“



“No no, you’re fine, I’m just…processing. Congratulations.” Deep breathes, Kurt. And then, because he can’t help himself: “You do know if you’re going to be on Glee, people will start writing fics about you instead of me.”



“…Oh God, I didn’t even think about that. That’s going to be awesome! Kind of creepy, but awesome.” He stops, thinking it over for a minute. “Actually, I wonder if I’ll even be popular enough to get fics.” Kurt can hear him frown over the phone, his enthusiasm draining. “Actually, I’ll probably just be in the three episodes…I’ve never been popular.”



Kurt grins into the phone. How could anyone not adore you, you’re the sweetest person I know. “I’ve never been popular either, but people seem to like me well enough. You’d be surprised.”



Beside him, Dad walks up with their luggage, rolling his eyes like he can’t quite believe his son is already on the phone when they’ve been off the plane for ten minutes.



“Maybe,” Blaine laughs, warm and inviting in his ear. “Anyway, tell me about your trip! How was LA? Are you really going to date a football player like the spoilers say? I want to know everything.”







By the tail end of August, school has started up again, and the McKinley high glee club has been reborn under the leadership of Mr. Schuester. Kurt auditions with Mr. Cellophane and watches Mr. Schue grin, like he can’t quite believe this is really happening.



He’s still not popular, and he’s still getting bullied, but it’s different. Puck throws him into dumpsters for show, but then helps pull him out when he thinks no one is looking. Santana smiles at him softly in the hallway, and Brittany hugs him and talks to him all the time, and when people look on scandalized because she’s not supposed to like him yet, she just grins. Rachel talks to him about song selection because she trusts his opinion on music more than anyone else’s, and because it makes him smile at her affectionately rather than maliciously.



After their first glee practice, Artie wheels up behind him, awed. “This is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened to us, isn’t it?”



And Kurt nods, because it already is the best thing that’s ever happened, and it can only get better from here.



--



Tuesday, October 5th marks the first ever Hudson-Hummel dinner and Glee night. Carole and Finn come over around five, and Kurt and Carole make dinner (horribly greasy cheeseburgers, but its Dad’s favorite) while Dad and Finn watch the game. It feels…nice. Normal. Like they’re actually a family.



It feels good.



Which makes watching Glee this week so painful, bundled next to his father and (possibly) future stepmother and stepbrother. He has to watch his Dad have a heart attack and know there’s nothing he can do about it. He watches himself fall apart and push everyone else away. He watches his friends struggle with how to help them, but knowing that they’re just making it worse.



He watches Finn pray to a grilled cheese sandwich to touch Rachel’s boobs.



“I’m not that selfish,” Finn swears, angry and hurt and more than a little upset, sitting alone outside while their parents do—whatever they do on date nights, Kurt doesn’t want to think about it. Kurt can’t blame Finn, either—he’s upset, too, though for a few different reasons. “I swear to you, I’m not. I think of Burt as a father. I wouldn’t—I wouldn’t—“



“I know you wouldn’t.” Kurt hushes him, tucking himself inside his knees. “You may be a bit dumb, Finn, but you aren’t heartless. I know you’d pray for Dad,” and Kurt laughs suddenly, because the mental image is too much for him. “Even if it was to a grilled cheese sandwich.” Which, for all Kurt cares, might as well be God. The sandwich certainly took more care of Finn than any other deity has ever cared for Kurt.



Finn grins at him, ruffling his hair with a brotherly sort of fondness. “Maybe we can take Burt to the doctor now, you know? Stop him from having a heart attack in the first place.”



“Trust me, I’m calling to make an appointment first thing in the morning.” Kurt smiles, a little of his anxiety gone. “Also, I hope he enjoyed dinner—it’s the last cheeseburger he’s ever going to eat.”



Finn barks with laughter, and Kurt’s heart fills with warmth. Maybe Glee doesn’t show everything—it didn’t show Finn crying or praying over Burt, but there isn’t a doubt in Kurt’s mind that Finn did those things, that Finn cares about him.



And if that’s the case, then who knows what else isn’t shown in the hour they get every week? Maybe he can change things.



Maybe he can change so much.


--




It’s funny, watching himself flirt with Sam on the show. Well, not that funny, because while Sam is cute, Kurt doesn’t think he’s that attractive (Blaine is cuter, a horrible voice in his head whispers, but Kurt does his best to ignore it). Mostly though, it’s just funny because the Kurt on screen doesn’t really seem to be all that into it. It’s like he’s just going through the motions, doing what is expected of him. There is a new kid whose sexuality is ambiguous: of course Kurt is going to hit on him.



And yet…



He doesn’t know what it is, but something about the way Kurt’s acting on screen makes him think he’s doing this out of some sort of obligation. Like maybe he’s read the spoilers over the summer and thinks Sam is supposed to be his boyfriend.



Oh God.



He did read the spoilers over the summer. He does think Sam is supposed to be his boyfriend. Holy shit.



It’s almost a relief to watch himself relieve Sam of the duet. As much as it hurt to hear what his Dad and Finn have said, they were also so very right, and Kurt knows this, even if it is hard to swallow. Especially if Sam is still in the closet, like all the spoilers say.



So instead he watches himself perform a fabulous rendition of Le Jazz Hot, and then watches with even more amusement as Rachel Berry—of all people!—sings a duet with him, makes him feel better about himself.



I know you’re lonely, the Rachel on screen tells him, but you aren’t alone.



He rests his head on his father’s shoulder, and tries not to think about how unfair life can be.



--



Kurt joins the football team and teaches them the Single Ladies dance, like he’s supposed to; it leaves a bitter taste in mouth, and he feels like he might never be clean, like he’s betrayed himself somehow.




--


In an ideal world, his father would never work Tuesdays. Then again, in an ideal world, everyone would be accepting of homosexuality and people would only ever wear McQueen or Marc Jacobs, but no one asked Kurt how he would rule the world.



Instead, his father has to work late, and normally Kurt would be a little upset by his father missing their bonding time, but he’s not. In fact, he thinks it’s rather perfect.



Blaine’s coming over to watch Glee instead, and staying the night.



Kurt’s never had a friend sleep over before, especially not a boy, and especially not on a school night. But his dad allows it--just this once!—and Kurt’s too happy to complain.



(He thinks Dad might be letting him have a friend over because he knows how upset Kurt is about having to blow the Defying Gravity note, but Kurt doesn’t bring it up and his father doesn’t mention it again.)



(The fact that Dalton doesn’t have classes the next day for a teacher in-service may also help.)



So Blaine arrives at five o’clock exactly, and together they eat a dinner that’s more fattening than anything else, but Kurt’s too happy to really complain. Having Blaine around is positively infectious—he’s so full of energy and life, even with his naturally curly hair bound down with gel, like trying to repress a hurricane. Kurt just wants to—just wants to touch him, just wants to hold his hand or hug him or—or something.



They make a night out of it, cooking dinner together and watching silly videos on youtube, but as the night rolls on it becomes time, and they huddle together, eager to watch the show.



“I’m so excited, you know?” Blaine giggles, curled up on Kurt’s couch as the trail end of another speculative show ends (How I Met Your Mother). “This is supposed to be the episode I show up in. This is supposed to be my future. Well, my future as it interacts with you and your Glee club, but still! It’s nerve-racking. How do you do it?”



Kurt pats him on the back “You get used to it, I promise. Now shhh, it’s starting!”



They watch the episode intensely, absorbing the silliness that is the Sam plot (“That’s so mean! Poor Bieste!”) while Kurt comments amusedly that Mr. Schue’s suddenly cares about Kurt being bullied. (“Not like he’s ever cared in the past!”)



Then Mr. Schue gives out the Boys vs. Girls assignment, and Puck tells Kurt to go spy on the Garglers (“The Warblers, Puck.”) who are, apparently, Dalton’s glee club.



Kurt turns to Blaine and frowns. “I didn’t know you joined Dalton’s glee club.”



Blaine blushes slightly. “That’s because I haven’t. Um, yet, I guess. Maybe this is where I show up?”



And oh, there he is, just as beautiful and dreamy as ever. The Blaine on screen seems a lot older, a lot more confident than the boy sitting beside him. But it’s still Blaine’s smile, and it’s still Blaine who takes his hand and shows him a shortcut.



It’s still Blaine who notices, even when no one else does.



Then he sings Teenage Dream, and, oh, if Kurt was a little in love with Blaine before, it’s nothing compared to how he feels right now, knowing how wonderful the boy beside him already is, and watching how wonderful he’ll be in the future. Dalton is like a wonderland, and Blaine is their Prince, and Kurt can hardly believe that what he’s watching is his fate, it’s too wonderful, too perfect.



He can’t help it—he breaks down and cries, quiet, happy tears, and Blaine doesn’t say anything but he does hold his hand, and murmurs half-known lyrics into Kurt’s ears.



You make me feel like I’m living a teenage dream.







Art imitates life, and soon the Kurt on screen finds himself crying to the Blaine there, too. The Blaine on screen is surprisingly vulnerable and wise, and Kurt finds himself listening with baited breath, because even though they’ve been friends for a while now, there are some things they’ve never really talked about.



I used to get so angry .



There’s this Neanderthal who’s making my life a living hell.



You can refuse to be the victim.



Courage.




All of which sounds like good advice in theory, but in practice seem less that stellar. Especially as Kurt watches himself walk down the hallway, smiling at a text from Blaine (courage) --and then watches himself get slammed into a locker by Karofsky seconds later.



The Kurt on screen snaps.



(“This isn’t going to end well.” Kurt tells Blaine, holding his hand tightly. Blaine says nothing, but squeezes his hand in return.)



He watches himself be braver than he’s ever felt before in his life, to scream and to rage and God, it feels good, feels like relief swelling inside of him.



Then Karofsky kisses him, and Kurt screams.



(“Oh God.” Blaine whispers beside him, griping his hand. “Oh God, oh God, oh God.”)



The Kurt on screen pushes Karofsky off, looking all at once like a scared, fragile, broken little boy, hands pressed against his lips like he just had his innocence ripped from him.



“Get away from me!” the Kurt on screen screams. Karofsky slams his fist into the locker and storms out.



He can’t speak; he can’t breathe right now



--



It’s late at night, and Blaine is still talking his ear off.



“I’m so sorry, Kurt.” Blaine apologizes for the thousandth time that night, curled up in a sleeping bag on Kurt’s bedroom floor. “I’m so, so sorry.”



Kurt blinks up at his ceiling, taking in deep breaths. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”



“Yes, I do.” Blaine argues stubbornly. “If I hadn’t told you to stand up to him—“



“I would have snapped eventually.” Kurt admits. “It’s not your fault.”



Blaine frowns, burrowing deeper into the sleeping bag. “You must hate me.”



Finally, Kurt rolls over, looking over at Blaine on the floor. “I am so angry with a lot of people right now, but you are not one of them. You’ve done nothing wrong, and I could never hate you.”



Blaine blinks up at him, his eyes shining in the darkness of the room. “I just hate it. I hate that he takes that from you, that he’s going to get away with it.”



“I pity him.” Kurt confesses, his voice dark and shaky.



Blaine sighs. “I guess I do too, really. It must really suck to be that repressed, and then to be outed like that? No one deserves that. I guess I just—I hate that your first kiss had to be like that. Your first kiss should be special, romantic. Not—not that.”



Kurt breathes out deeply, sucking the air in between his teeth. “I hate being afraid. I hate that that…that’s just going to make me more afraid.” He confesses softly. “What was your first kiss like?”



Blaine snorts. “Wet. And kind of gross. It was with a girl, and it didn’t—it didn’t count.”



“Have you ever kissed a boy?”



“No. Not ever.”



Within a split second, Kurt rolls over and leans off his bed, his face inches away from Blaine’s own. “Will you kiss me, then?”



Blaine sucks in his breath. “Won’t that change things? Won’t that mess up the future?”



Kurt bites his lips. “I hope so. I don’t—I don’t like the future I keep seeing. I want to change it.”



Blaine blinks up at him, his eyes somber and watery. “Okay.”



It’s just barely a kiss. They are young and it seems so, so very complicated, the act of pressing lips together. But it’s nice and warm, shooting butterflies straight into Kurt’s stomach, and he thinks that, oh, this is what all the fuss is about.



When Blaine pulls away, Kurt has to blink back tears.



“Thank you.”



Blaine smiles into the darkness. “No, thank you, Kurt. Goodnight.”



He falls asleep with a smile on his face.


--






Karofsky isn’t in school Wednesday. Kurt isn’t surprised: honestly, he’d be surprised if Karofsky was still in Ohio at this point. Kurt doesn’t blame him.



He does wish everyone would stop staring, though. He’s okay—nothing has happened yet. Stop treating him like he’s made of glass; he’s fine. Honestly, there is no need to form a protective service around him, even if he is flattered that his fellow Glee club members care enough to look out for him like that.



If anything, someone needs to find Karofsky and talk to him, because being outed on National TV? Yeah, that’s not cool. Kurt doesn’t believe in outing period, but to do it like that? Someone needs to keep an eye out, make sure he hasn’t killed himself.



Normally, Kurt would be happy to talk with him, but after yesterday’s episode (Karofsky’s hands on his face, his lips on his lips, stealing something that wasn’t his to take) he doesn’t want to push it.



The entire world knows about Karofsky right now: let them deal with it. It is not Kurt’s responsibility, not like it was on the show. He owes the bully nothing, absolutely nothing: he can be somebody else’s problem now.



--



He is sent to Mrs. Pillsbury’s office first thing in the morning.



“What’s going to happen to you, Kurt, is called sexual assault.” Only she says it like she’s scared, like sex is a Very Bad Word and she’s going to get in trouble just for talking about it. “You need to know, Kurt, that what’s going to happen isn’t okay. You should talk to an adult about these things.”



Like you, perhaps? Kurt thinks about snapping back, but doesn’t. Instead, he doesn’t say anything, just picks at his sweater and wishes they could invent clothing that makes you invisible instead.



“I promise, Ms. Pillsbury, the second something like that happens to me, I’ll come straight to you.” He won’t. He’s lying, and he knows he’s lying, and maybe Ms. Pillsbury knows he’s lying, too, but she just smiles at him warmly and sends on his way.



He hates this. He hates that everyone knows his private business. If he had realized this was going to happen he never would have signed that damn contract, would have asked them to please keep him out of it, because it wasn’t worth this.


--




Puck, Mike, and Artie all offer to kiss him once Glee club is over; Finn looks over at him like he wants to offer, too, but he can’t, because he’s too afraid of what someone might say if he does.



(Or, even worse, what would happen if Kurt says yes?)



Kurt runs out before they can finish offering, before Quinn and Rachel’s looks of absolute pity get to him, before Mercedes can hug him again.


--




Wednesday afternoon, Burt starts putting money back into savings in order to send Kurt to Dalton. He doesn’t say anything about the episode, but Kurt can tell he wants to, but that he’s just not sure what to say.



Stop treating me like I’m broken. Kurt wants to scream, to put it on a t-shirt and wear it with pride. I am not a victim. Nothing has happened yet!



But it will. A dark part of his mind whispers, because everything else that he’s seen on the show has happened—why wouldn’t this?



He’s about ready to scream out in frustration when he gets a text message from Blaine. It’s not like the texts he normally gets from Blaine, but the familiarity of it warms his soul.



Courage.



Have courage. Be brave. This, too, will pass.



He smiles and lifts his head up. Courage. He can do this.




--


To Kurt’s absolute lack of surprise, Blaine is a hit character. Teenage Dream outsells even the best selling Glee song so far. Blaine’s three-episode contract is rewritten almost immediately to include him in for the rest of the season. The Dalton Academy Warblers have all but kidnapped Blaine and made him their mascot.



According to the tumblr-that-Kurt-absolutely-does-not-have-and-no-you-can’t-have-his-url, Blaine is almost exclusively shipped with Kurt. Everyone is going on and on about how cute and adorable Kurt-and-Blaine are, how great it is that Kurt finally has a love interest, how much they are looking forward to seeing the older boy sweep Kurt off his feet.



(Which makes Kurt laugh, because while they are technically the same age, Blaine’s birthday comes after September, and so Blaine’s actually a grade below Kurt. But the fans don’t know this, so Kurt just smiles and keeps reading their comments, wondering what the reaction will be when the learn the truth.)



Unfortunately, Blaine’s sudden popularity also means Blaine is unavailable. Which, okay, fine, they are not so codependent that they can’t go a few days without talking to each other, but compared to their once near-constant communication, Kurt really feels the distance. Especially since on Glee this week, he has to watch his and Mercedes friendship start to fall apart, which really, really hurts because God, why can’t anything go his way, just once?



As a result, he keeps spending more and more time with Finn. And, God, his crush on Finn is horribly embarrassing and destined to end terribly, but Kurt can’t help it. Finn is one of the only constant things in his life, both right now and in the future.



“So what ballad did you want to sing?” Finn asks, a lazy half-grin on his face as they sit together in the auditorium, Finn having just sang a song to a daughter that isn’t his.



Kurt breathes. “I honestly love you.”



But Finn’s reaction in real life is even worse than it was in the show. “Thanks, bro!” He ruffles Kurt’s hair affectionately, like one might do to a brother. “Love you too.”



He thinks it might’ve hurt less if he had just stabbed him in the heart instead.



--

Glee takes a hiatus after the Chirstmas episode airs. Which works for Kurt, because he needs some time to process what he’s learned since then. Namely, that Karofsky’s going to threaten his life, so much so that he’s going to have to transfer to Dalton. Which, judging from the Christmas episode (Oh baby it’s cold outside) might not be a bad thing.


Contact with Blaine has been hit-or-miss. They still text and talk, but it’s just not the same. He doesn’t think Blaine is actively avoiding him, but it’s almost like he’s scared—scared to spend time with him, now that he’s on Glee.



Which is so stupid and frustrating and really, all Kurt wants is his best friend back. They don’t have to be romantic like the internet wants, they can just be friends, but he—he doesn’t have the words, he doesn’t know how to say that.



Even better, Rachel is throwing a Christmas party for the Glee Club, which Kurt doesn’t *really* want to go to but will because, well, what else is he going to do for Christmas?


--


I’m being harassed by a guy in Paris. Is this normal?

  • 1
Thanks for posting this! It's dark enough, I'm not sure I'd want to read about Karofsky learning he's going to attempt suicide... (that's a lie, I'd read it, but I totes understand why you're done w/ the fic.)

"Which, for all Kurt cares, might as well be God. The sandwich certainly took more care of Finn than any other deity has ever cared for Kurt." Huh, great insight tying the plot lines and perspectives together.

I'm so glad Kurt's first kiss was with Blaine... and it's interesting to what changes and what stays the same.

Damn I"m not sure which is worse: canon Glee in which Karofsky does that to Kurt and can't come out for fear of others... or this universe in which a television company would out Karofsky on television even though they know how terrified he is.

  • 1
?

Log in